Tomorrow is my birthday. For me my birthday is a mile marker. I look forward to it. It holds more significance to me than the January first New Year. Its “my new year”.

This year marks three years since I turned 30. Three years ago on my 30th birthday I made the decision to change how I lived my life. On February 4, 2009 I was this girl: 

celebrating 30 and looking forward

I was on the verge of taking the steps that would change how I live my life for good. I had fought through a long battle with serious depression and come through the other side actually liking who I was enough to feel worth the change. It started with one small decision that built onto another and another.

On my 31st birthday I had made some progress in the right directions. I remember I was around the 230 lb mark in February 2010. And it was just after this that I posted my very first blog post on February 21, 2010. (and thank god I did start a blog…or where would Tara and I be today?)

celebrating 31 with my nephew

Last year in February of 2011 when I turned 32 I had just finished the Precision Nutrition Lean Eating Program for Women with my coach Krista Scott-Dixon. I was the leanest I have ever been (to date as a matter of fact). I was in the 170s for the first time, and felt strong and confident.

celebrating 32 with my bff

It seems February is a time of decision making for me.

This year more than ever its an important day of reflection for me. In my 32nd year some major things have changed and I want to take the time to reflect and remember why this year, my 33rd year will be the best yet. I feel in need of the reminder right about now. Back in November I was hit by a truck in a cross-walk and injured. I’ve been grateful to have Tara here with me to help my recovery process. I know without a shadow of a doubt I would not be where I am now in the process without her.

This recovering from injury process has taught me more about who I am than I ever imagined.

• I have learned how important movement and strength and a fully functioning body are to me.
• I have learned how I crave movement (especially when it physically hurts to move).
• I have learned that maintaining weight loss as someone formerly obese when you’re coping with healing is an added degree of difficulty.
• I have learned that patience through pain can feel impossible, but is actually a requirement.
• I have learned that when pain and questions of my personal self worth are a part of my day to day life my food choices and decisions waver.

I have learned that the recovery process has performed some kind of mind-mash on my brain. The confident girl I see in the pictures from my 32nd birthday, and even on my wedding day this past July has faded a little. I have gained some weight since the injury and it scares me. In particular, the limitations in my abilities, especially in the gym, have my once rebuilt confident brain thinking about all of the things I can no longer do instead of recognizing the steps of healing as I work my way back towards where I was before the accident.

Tomorrow I will wake up on my 33rd birthday.  I will remind myself that this year more than ever is reason to celebrate. That I will regain all of the strength I have lost and find a full recovery back to the athlete I was in the gym. As my wise trainer Chris reminded me in the gym this week now is an amazing opportunity to reboot my brain once more. I will take the chance to rebuild not just my body, but my brain. I will get back there. I will find my leanest, strongest, healthiest version of myself again. And my 33rd year will be the best year ever, with Tara - my Most Amazing Thing Ever by my side. Nothing in my life is the same now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

http://herselfimage.com/2011/10/13/brain-swirl/

I am recovering. I am healing. In the process my brain is swirling.

Being injured and “set back” has set my mind in a tail spin. I am so accustomed to moving forward. My entire LCJ since February of 2009 has been about moving forward. Its been finding the next goal, continuing the weight loss, seeing my abilities improve. I was extremely fortunate not to have been injured along my LCJ before my accident. Then I was. And I’ve had to learn to deal with a hell of a lot of set backs. I have tried very hard to stay focused on the positive, that Tara is here with me, my gratitude that the accident wasn’t worse. But I have to admit that in the midst of the iron clad grip on “stay positive Meegan” I’ve found myself doing an awful lot of self berating in this head of mine. @jeepjenn picked up on it catching up on my blog and called me out via twitter yesterday. Even when I think I’m trying hard to be kind, I’m punishing myself.

Letting Go

In the midst of recovering my life is brand new.  My success has traditionally been very related to a routine.  This process of recovery has meant letting go of any semblance of routine. I have appointments different times a day almost every day of the week. I’ve had to take deep breaths and let go of my former routines and my former expectations and try and stay focused on just getting through each day, and then looking back at my week and asking “did I make progress this week?”Day to day the progress is hard to see. Week to week I can see there are improvements. Its slower and more arduous than I want it to be.

“I’m a mess”.

“That’s fantastic because messes can be cleaned up.”

Tara said something to me at some point along the way when I said “I’m a mess”. She said “that’s fantastic, because messes can be cleaned up.” There are so many lessons to be learned about myself and about how I can overcome the first  big obstacle in my LCJ path. I might be a mess right now, but I’m finding my way to getting the mess cleaned up. I am so lucky to have Tara, someone who understands exactly what’s happening when I get lost in my own head space. She can grab the sides of my face and look me in the eyes and tell me to start talking. Its harder than I remember it being in a long long time to be nice to myself right now. We’re calling one another out on it, and keeping each other on solid ground in the moments when we get a little swept up.

Starting Over

This morning Tara and I got up and went for a run. Lest I remind you, I am not much of a runner.  But I would like to find a way to let go and enjoy running a little bit. Its so much of a brain game for me. Learning to let go of the mess in my head and let my body go through the motions. This morning I wanted to get out and run. It was a beautiful morning and we’re looking forward to the New Year’s Eve Resolution Run with our new running club. Its a 5K and I haven’t run since before my accident, in fact, not really since Tara was here for Canadian Thanksgiving and we ran my first 10K at the Valley Harvest. This morning was my first attempt at running since I was hit. Physically it wasn’t that bad, but mentally; oh fuck me, mentally it was a train wreck.  I sobbed at one point while running and got so mad at myself. I persevered, and couldn’t look T in the face, but followed her slowed down running until she said we were done. 2.3 miles-ish we ran. It confirmed I will be ok for Saturday’s 5K, but it also confirmed I need to get my head in check.

After we got home and were having some breakfast together Tara asked me. “how would you feel if you bought a puzzle and it was all completed already.” I said, “I’d probably be disappointed and then just tear it apart and start over.” She looked me in the face and said, that’s the best part about where you are right now. You get to tear it all apart and start over.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Puzzle_pieces.jpg

The thing is I don’t know where to start.  But I do know one thing. And its an important thing. I need to pick ONE single thing to focus on. I need to tackle one thing. I can’t do everything right now. It isn’t realistic and it isn’t sustainable. But I can do one thing for a while. Until that one thing becomes a part of my life again, then I can add in something new. Today the battle is sorting out what my one thing is going to be.

I’m lost in this maze of deciding what the one thing will be. There are so many things that it could be. So many things that would make a difference right now.  I’m so panicked that the injury, that the changes in life, that the backwards motion in my fitness journey will stick. That I won’t be able to get back to where I was, let alone get to set goals that surpass where I was before.  I’m learning to let go of my old routines, let go of the things I know, let go of where I feel safe and what I know works and carve out something new. So today I’ll sit with trying to find my ONE THING.

Once I figure it out I’ll let you know. In the mean time, feel free to share any wisdom and suggestions.

This week has been life changing for me. In the scariest ways, and the most incredible ways.

Last Monday I was hit by a truck. Yes, literally. I walked into the cross walk sure that the oncoming truck was slowing down to allow me to cross and it didn’t. But I am lucky. I am not broken. Bruised, battered and definitely not my physical 100%, but so grateful the incident wasn’t any worse.

I woke up on Monday thinking there were still 29 days before I would wake up and fly the almost 4000 miles to Tara, my mate. 31 days before we would set out in her car Dusty and make the long haul back across Canada together to start our lives together here in Halifax. I woke up thinking there were still so many days to wait. And then just after 1pm I find myself in an ambulance strapped to a back board in a brace frantically trying to tell the paramedic that my mate who they are talking to on the phone is too far away to meet me in the Emergency Department and trying to hold back the tears. It was scary people. And not just scary for me. Scary for Tara too.

Sometimes these things that happen in life lead you to throwing logic out the window and just doing what your heart tells you is the right thing do to. Tara got on a plane. We abandoned our plan. We tossed the logic about the money, about the work while we were waiting for Visas, about keeping the opportunity to say goodbye (and hello in my case) to T’s friends and family in Tacoma. She got on a plane and she came to me. We couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Somehow we know the universe will look after us in the logic department. Somehow we hope the money stuff will shake out ok. Somehow we know this was the right thing for both of us. Our trip across Canada will be postponed until the Spring. We will travel back together, say our hello’s and goodbye’s together and hop in Dusty to head back home: together.

We will get to do a lot of things together now. She’s been here helping me heal, reminding me that its ok to be quiet as I recover.

And we’re using some of this quiet time to make some of our dreams together come true.

Our days of imagining and wishing are over. Now that Tara is here, beside me, in the flesh, our lives together beginning in the ways we were only dreams before. Ours plans that we’ve talked about for hours, texting, on the phone, skyping about are being realized. We are together, and its more amazing than even my imagination and wishes had dreamed of.

The Healthy Dynamic Duo was realized today. Tara and I have undertaken a new adventure together.

TheHDD is a place where we will share how we are living our lives to the fullest together. We don’t know exactly yet how it will all unfold, but we are so damn excited to be planning and executing! We envision trying and tasting our meals made together and sharing them with the blog-o-sphere that brought us together. We may venture into vlogging some of our workouts (once I’m back in 100% physical shape that is).  Together our mission is stronger than ever and if that’s not fuel for recovery I don’t know what is.

This week Dani (@IrishEyes1982 on Twitter) and I traded a few messages. We were talking about the fact that even after losing a significant amount of weight we still find ourselves in those days, those weeks where you feel like your former self again. Where the self love that led you to losing the weight seems to find its way back into the corner and you spend the day questioning your self worth.

There was something about getting on the scale last week and learning exactly where I was (i.e. 15lbs up) that seemed to make two things happen:

1. Made me suddenly feel a whole lot less attractive when I look in the mirror.

Now I realize that this has to be 100% in my mind. Nothing changed physically by knowing the number on the scale. What changed was purely my personal perception of myself. I was suddenly judging myself as “less than” because my weight was up. I was suddenly labelling myself less attractive because I knew the number and it wasn’t where I was before. Why do we play these awful mind games with ourselves?

Good thing that it also:

2. Made me realize I really needed to do something in order to feel like myself again.

Funny part about this is that it took looking back over into the corner at that self love of mine and telling it to get back over here – we have work to do. It took understanding that I already am worth it for my routine and my goals to make any difference.

My Mate Tara is the self named Queen of the TLA, (the Three Letter Acronym) and she has given me the gift of #LtF this week. I needed the spark to get my fire burning again and ironically it was getting back on the scale that did it. In the last 7 days I’ve made some progress. Both on the scale and with battling some of the emotional stuff that has come up because and in spite of what’s happening in my life.

UPDATE

On the scale this week: I am down 4lbs.

Honestly this was a giant relief. I was actually worried that I was going to get on the scale and despite the shift in focus last week would see no change. I was prepared for it. I told myself if it happened I would be ok. I’ve had plenty of great weeks before on this LCJ of mine when the scale didn’t budge. But I needn’t have worried. My body and the scale were apparently just waiting for me to get my shit together again.

On the emotional spectrum I’ve been all over the map and back this week. I’m trying to sit with my feelings and ride them out these days. Feel what I need to feel and wait for it pass. Feel the sad, feel the anger, feel the cranky, feel the pain, let it all wash over me and move through me and out. What comes up when I’m feeling some of this has been the challenge. See when things get tough, my self love tends to head for the corner again leaving me floundering a bit. It takes me a little while to register a feeling before I can talk to myself again and say “Excuse me? Hey you! Yes, you – my self love over there in the GD corner! Get your ass back over here!”

I’ve learned through this process you need to love who you are and feel good in your skin for the success to follow. The better you feel, the more comfortable you are as you ARE the more likely you are to rise to the challenges you set for yourself and the more likely your mind and body will work as one to help you reach them. I also know that no matter how much I practice this, there are still days when its damn tough.

GOALS Revisited

Now that I know what a week has brought me, here is a revised list of my goals for this week to come:

1. I now have 35 Days before I get on a plane and fly to Tara. I want everyone of those 35 days to get me closer to my goals again. (Currently I’m going to see if I can be down 12 of the 15lbs I’m up before December 7th when I leave. 4 down, and 8 to go).
2. I didn’t manage to update here twice in the last week, so I’ll aim for at least once. Anything more is bonus points!
3. Continue to keep my fitness routine in check. Group Training twice a week, 1 on 1 Training with my Trainer twice a week, Yoga once a week and aim for at least one good attempt at hill sprints.
4. Stay in full control of my food – that means: no sugar, LOTS of veggies (aim for every meal) and limiting fruit intake to 1 piece a day.
5. Take my fish oil every day.
6. Take my multi-vitamins.
7. Drink at least 8 cups of water every day. (aim for at least 2 full cups BEFORE my morning coffee.)
8. Foam roll for recovery everyday.

Tahrir Square Sea Change by Jay Ressler from: http://fineartamerica.com/featured/tahrir-square-sea-change-jay-ressler.html

There has been a whole lot of change going on in my life since last I posted.  (almost two whole freakin’ months ago…how does that happen?!)

In fact, there’s been a whole lot of change in my life since this Spring. I feel as though I’m on the most incredible roller coaster ride these days.For my sake (and anyone new who happens to stumble upon my blog…) lets review the last 6 months:

April

Finally Meet Tara in person (sorry Val, meeting you was extra awesome too, but not quite as life altering…lol)

May

Realize I’m in Love (talk about a frying pan over the head in the very best way…)

June

Hit a weight loss milestone and simultaneously plan the trip of a lifetime.

 July

Fly 4000  Miles to spend 3 weeks with the love of my life, get engaged, get married.

August

Miss my Mate terribly, go on honeymoon (Vegas, Baby) for 7 nights to pause the missing.

September

Continue to miss my Mate terribly. Sort through sharing my ‘big news’ with my friends and family. Plan Canadian Thanksgiving visit for Tara to come to Halifax for the first time AND find a new place to live together in Halifax. Go away to Quebec City for a week on a work conference the week before the big move.

October

Finds me still missing my Mate terribly, October 1st weekend I move myself and belongings into our new place and try to get a fraction of a home carved out before Tara arrived to introduce her to Halifax and our home, introduce her to our family and run my very first 10K with Mate by my side (or right behind me so I don’t stop running on the hills.)

Talk about life in constant transition these days. And of course it has had an enormous impact on how I’m eating and how I’m moving. Which has had an impact on my ongoing life changing journey. Unfortunately this impact isn’t one I’m particularly proud of.

First off, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining about any of the change. In fact I’m so excited about all of the incredible change in my life. I’m grateful for all of it. What I’m finding interesting is how my so carefully decided routine has been all shaken up and how it turns out that I’m coping with it.

Finding love has been a gift. What I’m learning that I’m not very good at YET is maintaining the same level of love for myself that I had when it was just me in my day to day routine and life. Somewhere in this sea of most amazing changes I’ve lost some of my love for who I am and some of my focus on what my goals are. And let me tell you, when you slide down that slippery slope and stop focusing on what’s important for YOU first there are consequences.

CONFESSION

I have gained 15lbs. I got on a scale on Tuesday night in my trainer Chris’ new space and got weighed and measured for the first time since  July 2nd. I’ve known for a little while that I haven’t been eating as well as I was. I’ve been indulging in food a little more than before. I’ve still been maintaining my workouts but as I’ve learned along the way, the exercise is only 20% of the weight loss and maintenance picture. Food is the biggest part of the equation.

So What the Hell am I going to do about it?

I need a plan. I’m here and blogging about what’s happened because I want to be accountable. I got on that scale yesterday knowing it wasn’t going to be pretty with Chris my trainer looking down at the same scale and knowing I was disappointing myself. I’m trying very hard not to think about whether or not what I’ve allowed to happen here is a disappointment to anyone else *gulp*. All I can do is move forward. I’m going to make the number on that scale a brand new starting point and make a game plan.

I am fortunate that right now my support system is the strongest its ever been.

I am fortunate that right now I have already accumulated a wealth of knowledge that will help me drop this 15 again and keep moving.

I am fortunate that I know already how to do this, I just need to get it all together again and love myself enough to follow through.

GOALS

Like Tara and I have spent some time talking about, I need to get back to basics and get focused.

In no particular order here is the list of goals I’m planning to put into motion starting right now:

1. I have 41 Days before I get on a plane and fly to Tara. I want everyone of those 41 days to get me closer to my goals again.
2. Update my blog on how things are progressing and where I’m at at least twice a week. (blogging helped me stay focused enormously, I know it will again)
3. Keep my fitness routine in check: Bootcamp on Mon/Wed/Fri  + One-on-One Training on Tues/Thurs + ADD in a run on the weekend + try to get out at lunch time for at least 20 minutes of brisk walking.
4. Get back in full control of the food – that means: no sugar, LOTS of veggies (aim for every meal), limit fruit intake to 1 piece a day.
5. Take my fish oil every day.
6. Take my multi-vitamins.
7. Drink at least 8 cups of water every day. (aim for at least 2 full cups BEFORE my morning coffee.)
8. Foam roll for recovery everyday.

Running for me has always been a challenge. It has been that thing I wasn’t sure I was ever really going to “get into”. When it comes to getting my work outs in, running would never top my list of the activity of choice.  I feel much more comfortable and mentally in the game with a strength workout, or at bootcamp. Maybe that’s because its what is familiar to me now, or maybe its because I’ve created a mental block for myself when it comes to running for distance.

April 2011 - Post Lung Run 5K - Thanks Jaime!

I remember when I ran my very first 5K in April of 2010. It wasn’t easy and felt like a challenge, but I was damn proud I did it. Slowly over the months I’ve made some progress with running, at least in my physical ability. In November of 2010 I ran my first sub-30 min 5K with the support of some awesome friends.   This past April when I ran that same 5K and improved, it still didn’t feel like it was easy. I didn’t have my breathing down and I was still anxious about the race aspect of things. But I was grateful to have a friend run the 5K with me. (Thanks Jaime!) I think mostly its been a challenge because I haven’t allowed myself to believe I have the ability to be a runner.

Prime example: I had planned to try and tackle my first 10K in May at the Bluenose here in Halifax, but I let my anxiety over the race and the details overwhelm me and made the conscious decision that it wasn’t the right time. At first I just changed my registration to a 5K. Then I decided not to run at all.

5 months since then I’ve made up my mind. I WILL be running my first 10K race with Tara when she’s here in Nova Scotia for the first time this October. And this time I know I can do it. This time my mind is much more in the game. Whether its Tara’s calming influence combined with her support and knowing I’m going to do with her by my side, or just feeling much more confident about my ability with running I’m not sure. All I know is now I know I CAN do it.

How do I know? I proved it to myself this week.

After conquering the hill almost 4K in

On Wednesday after a longer than expected day at work I made it home just before 7pm, changed into my running clothes and laced up my sneakers and ran 6K. It wasn’t the farthest I’ve run, but the difference this time was my resolve to do it and that it actually felt pretty good. Not like the struggle I had been anticipating.

Yesterday, I made a new resolution with Tara. She is running a half-marathon trail run today. 13.1 miles on the trail. Her reward for completing it will be one of her favorite treats, a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte. I’d never had a Pumpkin Spice Latte before, but I told her I would get up this morning and run 5 miles (just over 8K), the farthest I have ever run. We wouldn’t be running at the same time with the 4 hour time difference between us, but we would both run far today and earn a #PSL to call our own.

I got up this morning while T was still sleeping (after all 9am here is still 5am for her… sigh) I drove to downtown Halifax and parked on Queen St. near the Starbucks, set my Nike GPS+ for the first time for a 5 mile run and started out.

At each mile mark I would walk for a minute, which put me at approximately an 11 minute mile pace. My run was good. It felt good, I felt like I could have ran the extra mile to make it an even 10K today, and I still have four weeks to keep training before Tara and I run in our race. I had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte after conquering 5 miles in 55 minutes.

First Ever Pumpkin Spice Latte - earned it!

Was the latte good? Damn straight!  It was tasty and felt a lot like an autumn treat in a cup. But I couldn’t finish the whole thing (so rich and creamy)!  What felt better was knowing that running doesn’t have to be the one aspect of fitness I will never conquer. I just need to change how I think about it. Maybe 10K will be my race for a while. But I’m strong enough to do it, and I’m proud of myself for taking on this MENTAL challenge. Because that’s what this is. I already know I’m physically capable. I just need to get my brain on board with what my body wants to be doing.

There’s been a whole lot of unexpected happening in my life these days. What’s brought me a lot of the success on my life changing journey in terms of fitness and fat loss has been my routine. The unexpected happenings (including the Most Amazing Thing Ever) in my life have shaken up my routine in a big way. I feel a lot like someone has picked up my snowglobe, turned it upside down and given it a good solid shake.

That shake up has been incredible. In the best possible ways, but everything feels different. Its as if I’m trying to find where the ground is again and sort through all of the debris around me to get righted again.

In a lot of ways leaving Tara and being separated has been like getting on the most insane emotional roller coaster. I didn’t realize that leaving her to come back home without her would be as difficult as it has been. That I would have days where the longing to be back together would make me feel like I was being held underwater and I can’t breathe. Figuring out how we’re going to be apart while we wait for sponsorship paperwork to be filed and processed has been a challenge. There is no question that this emotional roller coaster while we’re apart has had me revisiting the thought of craving food for comfort, especially when the comfort I’m really craving is 4000 miles away.

Yesterday I wasn’t speaking very nicely to myself. In the agony of missing Tara I had started to feel as though I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to to look after myself and this body that I have worked so hard to change. In fact, this girl who normally only gets on the scale in her Trainer’s gym, for the official record, got on the bathroom scale. I got on the scale knowing full well that it was going to be up for a whole slew of reasons. And I did it anyway, almost like I wanted to punish myself more. The negative self talk, the weight up on the scale, I started to convince myself that I needed to recalibrate my routine again. That I wasn’t pushing hard enough that I wasn’t restricting my food like I should be. I was getting awfully nit-picky.

So you know what I did? I went to bed.

After a good nights sleep, my mind was a whole lot clearer. After my hour long workout with my trainer this morning here’s where my head space was at:

1. I was not giving myself enough credit for what is getting done (even if my routine now is different).
2. I am still getting at least 5 hours of solid workout time in each week.
3. I need to remember with the amount of change in my life, and the stress of being away from Tara and the big “reveal” to my friends and family a change in my routine is TO BE EXPECTED.
4. I need to talk nicely to myself (especially now) and allow myself to find the new pattern which will emerge.
5. I have not been trying to sabotage anything. Routine shift is just a symptom of change and IT’s OK.
6. I am okay with where I am right now. My weight hasn’t shot up, I am strong enough, I am fit enough, I still have goals that I’m working on and when my new routine with Tara settles out I figure out what I want to take on next.
7. I AM trying hard enough with my workouts and my food situation right now.
8. I am NOT making excuses.
9. I am doing right now what I’m able to get done and its plenty.
10. I just need to remember to keep my perspective.

If I consider for a second what “Old Meegan” would have done in this particular circumstance of life change (i.e. dove into a vat of chocolate and ceased any kind of physical movement), I am a maintaining fitness rock star status.

My routine BT (before Tara) was all about me. It was easy, I got early every morning for my work out 6 days a week, I got my fresh groceries, I did my afternoon of Sunday cooking and I ate my carefully prepared meals through the week. My routine AT (after Tara) and being in a marriage means my routine will adapt, I will find a new groove that still accommodates what is important to me and my lifestyle and I have the added advantage of someone amazing by my side (and right now that means by side at a distance).

I’m fortunate to be able to be in a place in my life where I can step back and recognize what is important to me even when my snowglobe has been flipped upside down and had the shit shaken out of it. Now I know what the values are that I want to keep in clear focus no matter how upside down my life can be. I resolved never again to ignore what I’m feeling, withdraw from my life or shove anything back down into the depths of myself. If I can let out what I’m feeling, talk about it with people I love and trust, and be a stronger person inside and out because of it I will find the ground safely beneath my feet in the white stuff.

A lot has happened for me in the last few months, few weeks, few days.

What may not have been entirely clear in my last post was that Tara and I did get married.

We eloped on July 26th, in Vancouver. I have already married my super hero.

And I couldn’t be happier. But like all silver linings there’s a little cloud that comes along with it.

Finding love, and the discovery of a new relationship has felt very much like a whole new lifetime lived in a matter of weeks.  But I’m aware that for anyone looking from the outside in it may appear that what’s transpired has happened too quickly, that I’ve been swept away, that I should have taken more time to consider everything I’ve been getting myself into. Tara and I have very much kept the unfolding of our relationship to ourselves for a multitude of reasons. I am without a doubt a private person (blog included). In fact, most people in my life weren’t aware I was even in a relationship, let alone that I am married (and to a woman no less). Hello one, two punch of surprises!

For me it has not only been a significant shift to go from being in the arms of the one I love, leaving her in an airport 4000 miles away (hardest thing I’ve ever had to do) and come back to my job and life at home to miss her, but its also been an experience to sort out how to inform the rest of my world that I’m married to Tara.  For most of those who learned our news on Facebook, or through my blog or from a friend of a friend, I think it brought up two emotions: 1) shock (as in some people I told had to literally sit down) and 2) joy. Tara and I have an incredible love story its squishy and amazing, and I’m blessed. However its also meant I am the subject of gossip and conversation, and even concern.

For some of whom are more in the inner circle of friends and family I think its been a little more difficult to take in. I will accept the blame for that. It comes from a place of love when someone is concerned for you. I appreciate honesty and if nothing else what all of this is making me realize is that I really could benefit from sharing more of my own life with my world. (apparently, blog  included).

Love and relationships never unfold the way you expect them to. I have known Tara 18 months and in ways, as my life has been transformed, that brought us closer through a computer than I am to many of those I know in person. When we finally met in person it was like finding the perfect compliment to who I have uncovered. For both of us having gone through a transformation of body, mind and soul and being at peace with who we are as individuals for maybe the first time in our lives and than meeting someone to whom the connection was so significant, neither of us were prepared to walk away. We both knew this was a once in a lifetime love.

When I think about the challenge to us actually finding one another, living on different coasts of our continent, one American and one Canadian, different lives led,  worlds apart, the odds of us coming together are almost impossible.

I left Halifax to find Tara in Tacoma on July 14th with every intention of marrying her. We had our elopement planned and didn’t tell anyone our plans. Both of us understood that our friends and family would tell us it was too fast, that it wasn’t a good idea, that we should wait if we told them ahead of time. If you know me, you know I’m a practical person. It is for most easy to say that coming back married to Tara having told no one is out of character for me. Anything that my friends would have told me had they known what I had planned there is no question I had thought about and ruminated over.

But what I know is what people always tell you about true love is true: when you know, you just KNOW. I didn’t have a single solitary doubt in my mind that marrying Tara was the right thing to do. I don’t have an iota of regret about anything. I am blessed in my life in many ways, and so thankful that although not without some concern, friends and family have been happy and supportive of my decision.

I have never spent more than 2 days with another person (someone I was in a relationship with or otherwise) and not felt like I needed a few minutes to myself after a while. Tara and I were inseparable for 3 weeks and it wasn’t enough. I didn’t have a single moment of longing for solitude. I just wanted more.

I spent some time with a good friend today. She said something to me about love that I’ve thought for a while.

She said, “Love isn’t like the icing on a cake, you find true love when you’re already the perfect piece of cake and the person you find is like the scoop of ice cream that compliments it.”

I realize that cake and ice cream may not be the perfect combo for me anymore (hello, mashed potatoes and corn), but I think she’s exactly right on the money with her theory. I had to find myself, be complete standing all on my own before I could find love. And love I have found.

Tara and I had already uncovered the people we were meant to be before we fell in love. And we were fortunate enough to be standing along side one another while our life changing journey’s unfolded. I think that’s why our bond is as strong as it is. We haven’t found the person who “completes” us. We were already complete. We are one another’s perfect compliment. I know myself. And now I know love. These are the blessings a life changing journey can bring.

Thank you to Nordica Photography for our wedding photographs.

There are things you never expect.

There was a lot that these two girls didn’t expect back in June 2009.

We had no idea of the amazing we had in store in for us.  There are things that unfold that you are so grateful for that they take your breath away.

In February of 2010 I started a blog. In February of 2010 so did Tara.

We had made a decision to take back our lives. We were on our way to becoming stronger, fitter, healthy.

We were these girls:

We had taken the first flying leaps in the right directions of our life changing journeys. We were on our way to uncovering things we hadn’t imagined possible.

On March 2nd of 2010 we discovered each others blogs. We should have known our connection ran deep when we blogged on the same motivation topic, using the same photo.

Since then we have supported each other along the way, reading one another’s posts, leaving comments, tweeting in support, emailing in tough times. As so many of us in the blogging community know and understand, having someone who gets the process, recognizes how difficult the journey is, appreciates the support and acknowledgement is how we get through. There are some you forge a special kind of “blog bond” with. It was like that all along for T & I. I thought of Tara as my super hero. Every time she would reach a goal I felt was impossible for myself, or broke through a wall (mental/physical or otherwise) I was feeling like I would never break through it was motivation for me.  I didn’t realize I was serving very much the same purpose for T until much later.

The magic happened this April.  Tara and I met in person in Vancouver the first weekend of the month. We never could have guessed what our blogging  friendship over the next couple of months would turn into.

I left Vancouver profoundly missing my friend and wishing we were closer so we could meet more often for 4am tea dates and talking about where our journeys have found us and what’s next. I remember texting her from the plane on the way home to Halifax saying I had thought about driving down to Seattle to see her again before I left. We were emailing more regularly and started texting.

A few weeks later Tara made a heartfelt confession. She told me she had feelings for me, more than friend feelings. She was worried that would mean our friendship was over.

Instead I accepted what she shared with me, not really knowing what to do. See, I had never considered being with another woman romantically before. So over the next few weeks I held her heart in my hands and sorted through what all of that meant for me. And as the days and weeks went by and our relationship unfolded I pulled her heart closer and closer to mine. There was no denying that the connection between Tara and I was stronger than anything I had ever experienced.

Love is love. And when you find it you need to open your arms wide and draw it in close. Tara turned out to be my most amazing thing ever. And I get to thank this life changing journey and decision to start a blog for us finding our connection and  finding one another.

On July 14th I travelled to Tacoma, WA to stay with T for a few weeks. On July 16th we did Warrior Dash, Washington together.

It was our first race together. It was also the beginning of something brand new together. At the end of the race I was asked the biggest question of my life…

 And I have never been more absolutely, positively, certain of anything in my life. My answer was a heartfelt yes.

Yes, I want to marry my Super Hero.

Since we found one another in cyberspace, we have completely transformed our lives and made room for love like we never anticipated.

We have collectively lost almost 240lbs and we have collectively gained a lifetime of love.

Thank you T for being my Most Amazing Thing Ever.

Life has been full and busy and sometimes stressful these days. But there’s lots to be excited about.

1. Laps around the House

So I have a 5 year old nephew. He’s fast and wily and a whole lot of fun. One of the most amazing things about having the level of fitness I do now is that I can chase my nephew and actually tucker him out before I’m exhausted. Yesterday he asked me to go to the park behind our house with him. We swung on the swings for 15 minutes or so, and checked out the teeter totter. Than he wanted to race back to the house, of course I had to take the longer path according to instructions. After our race back to the house he wanted to do laps around our split entry house. Who am I not to indulge a five year old. His father stood on the back deck and timed our laps. We managed 17 laps with a couple of water breaks in between. I love that I can take my nephew on and not feel like I want to die. I love that although yes, he’s 5 I can actually easily beat him in a run now. Once upon a time I didn’t have a shot in hell. Its a great feeling.

2. Warrior Dash

In two weeks I’m going to be running Warrior Dash Washington with Tara and Sharla. Big Giant shout out to Val for hooking me up with her registration for the run where she’s a little too pregnant to undertake the obstacles. (Val, I’m sad you can’t run it, but it worked out awesome for me – someday we’ll all race together!) Tara and I had been talking about me getting big giant goggles to wear for the race over my glasses. And as much hilarious fun as that would have been I looked into the the possibility of getting contacts (which most of my life were not an option for me) and guess what? They are now! Perfect timing for running through the mud and getting messy in obstacles. I can’t wait to put our Fitness Warriors ways into action. Shout out to Bobbie who is running Warrior Dash Michigan at the end of the month for her Fitness Warrior awesomeness.

3. Ragnar

The weekend after Warrior Dash I get to do something amazing. I get to volunteer with Team Optimus Prime for Ragnar Relay – North West Passage. Tara, Sharla, Mac, and Brandon are all running as part of the 6 person ultra team running 190 miles. That’s a lot of freakin’ miles. There’s three of us volunteering with team (yay Jess!), all working the starting line of the relay for 6 hours before getting back with the team and being their cheerleaders, photographers, beer runners, recovery assistants. I can’t wait. I am also in awe of their running prowess. I mean seriously – that FAR people!

4. Progress

Every year at my workplace we have a Spring event. Its a little bit fancy and we have a photographer on site. What that means is I have an annual visual of my progress almost to the day one year to the next. This year meant a lot to me. I can see the affect that my decisions and my habit change have had on my body and it makes me both proud and ridiculously happy that the work I’ve put in (which is no longer feeling like work) is paying off big time. One of the best parts of the difference between last year and this year is that although the weight in pounds was less than 40lbs, the difference in my body composition and my body fat % is HUGE. In June 2009 my BF% was around 46%. I’m now in the range of 22% body fat. Amazing!

There’s lots more to be excited about in my life right now. I’m feeling like the luckiest girl in the world. And my gratitude for that and my “stupid happy” (that’s the best kind of happy I swear) will carry me through the stress of the moment because there is just so much to look forward to.