I would like to remind myself of a few things when I’m having a week where the running feels awful, or my body feels tired, or I’m an emotional basket case and can’t see the forest for the trees…. (*yes, those days sometimes still happen…)

1. Having a plan and a routine is good

This week turned out to be a great week for me. My proverbial shit from last week did come together this week.

Here’s my run down from the week:

Monday: Bootcamp

Tuesday: Rehab one -on-one training in the AM+ ran 3.5K that evening for running plan

Wednesday: Bootcamp

Thursday:  REST

Friday: Bootcamp + Ran 3.5 Kms (with hills)

Saturday: REST (Tara and I went out for Halifax’s very first Yelp Cash Mob and had an amazing time.)

Sunday: Ran 6K!

2. Forgive yourself if one day the routine doesn’t stick

I was supposed to run again on Wednesday as per my plan, but had a massage Wednesday evening and planned to do it on Thursday (instead of resting). I don’t know why but my head wasn’t in it to get out and run on Thursday. The day came and went and I did not make it out for a run. I got cranky and irritable in part because I wanted to feel like running and didn’t, and then went through that lovely cycle of guilt for not going, mad at myself for not just bucking up doing, and finally just accepting it was okay that I didn’t. Why oh why can’t I just make the decision not to and be okay with from the get-go?

3. Sometimes you will surprise yourself

The running has actually been going better this week than I had anticipated. My plan right now is just to get out there and do it. I’m not running fast and I’m talking with myself to be okay with this. My average pace so far is around a 12min Mile. Today for my longer run of the week my average pace for the 4 Miles (6.4K) was 11:50 per mile, so a week and a half in and I’m getting a little faster. I’m happy with it. I was also happy that I managed to run the full 6K and not feel like I was done. I could have managed another 1 or 2K confidentally I think.

4. Keep doing things that are a little bit scary

Feeling ready to run an 8K is good news because…next weekend is the 20th Anniversary Moose Run with Tara. She will be running the full 25K out-and-back route and I will be running it as a relay with 2 other members from Heart & Sole running club. I’ve never run in a relay before. In fact in the grand scheme of things I haven’t really run in a lot of races before. I’m still intimidated by organized runs. Volunteering for Ragnar with Tara last year and with Heart & Sole this year  has helped me with that, so does having a training plan and moving towards a goal.

5. Life is an Adventure

Routine and plans can be exciting. Sounds backwards I know, but Tara and I are scheming and planning and getting excited. Here’s a few things we have on our radar:

• We signed up for our very first CSA! More info on that coming to an HDD post this week.
• We are planning our trip back to the West Coast this Spring to finally bring back Tara’s beloved Dusty and her worldly belongings.
• We are speaking at Fitbloggin2012 in Baltimore this coming September! And extremely excited about it. (More to come about that too…)
• We may even find a race to do while we’re there…

Some of the most incredible things about being in a relationship are the things that it reveals about yourself. I never imagined that finding love would offer some of the most poignant lessons about myself that I had to learn. But there it is.

When I had to leave Tara in Tacoma this summer, and then again in Vegas in August being separated was like getting on the most insane emotional roller coaster. You never realize how hard it will be to leave the one you love until you have to.  I didn’t realize that I would have days where the longing to be in the same space again would make me feel like I was being held underwater and I can’t breathe. It was hard to figure out how we were going to be apart for months until you do it. Then something like my accident happens and we let go of the “logic” of the situation  living so far apart and give in to the emotional reality of the situation – i.e. I needed help and I needed Tara and we sort it out.

Now while we wait for our application for Tara’s Permanent Residency to come through we figure out our day to day process and routine of living together and sharing our home. Now we’re at that point that we longed for all summer/fall long when we were so many miles apart. The waiting to be together is over, but in the process of waiting, and now the process of learning to live with the one I love there is a lot I have uncovered about myself.

Ever since I was a little girl I’ve always been “an old soul” or “mature for my age”. Really what I think that boils down to is that I’ve always been one to take on too much, adopt far too much responsibility and offer anything I could to help someone out. Over the years I’ve learned that generosity should be given in careful quantities to protect my own health and well being, and that I need to let things go. Now I know that I need to save some love for myself before I can dole it out to others. With that learning process and lots of practice I think I’m getting better at it.

Funny thing about being in love with someone and figuring out how your lives will work together is that that urge to help the person you love is kind of overwhelming. The lessons I’ve learned over the years to restrain my instinctual urges to smooth things over, make things better, fix things fade a little when I’m staring at the person I love knowing they’re hurting and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to make it better.

I like to fix things, I want to help. But this is what I know. People are not broken.

No matter what we go through as individuals, Tara & I, we aren’t broken. My accident messed with my head and set me back physically, but it didn’t break me. I am not broken. Tara is adjusting to life having moved (rather suddenly I might add) 4000 miles away from the only place she’s called home in the name of love and there are some days that are easier than others, but she is never broken.

We are strong.

We were strong enough 4000 miles apart to embark on Life Changing Journeys that brought us together and now we are stronger than ever together.

The secret is still to remember to love who we are as individual firsts – and that the tough days don’t make us broken.

It isn’t something that needs fixed. All we need is love and understanding. And it really helps if you love and understand yourself first.

From http://www.orangebeautiful.com/

Last week I was invited to write a guest post over at Weight for Deb. Deb asked me to share how I feel strength training has helped me in my weight loss journey. My post ended up being more than that. It got me thinking about how important strength and training is to me. Ironically earlier in this week my PN Lean Eating coach Krista Scott-Dixon wrote a blog post:  Keep Your Head In the Game: Dealing With the Mind-fuck of Injury & Illness  and it was like she was speaking directly to me.

The recovery process has been more of a mental battle for me than a physical one. But I’m working towards finding my groove again.

Last Week:

This past week I was managed a workout 6 days of the week:

Monday: Bootcamp

Tuesday: Rehab one -on-one training

Wednesday: Bootcamp

Thursday: Rehab one-on-one training

Friday: Ran 3.5 Kms

Saturday: REST

Sunday: Ran 5K with Tara and the Heart & Sole Running Club in Dartmouth.

Early in the week I felt the strongest I have since before the accident. It did my spirit a world of good knowing that I was back to daily workouts and not in a lot physical pain as long as I was still doing the required stretching, massages, chiro care. Part of who I am now is in movement. I need to move to feel “right”. When I wasn’t physically able to do what I had come accustomed to doing I felt like part of me was missing. Now I feel like that part of me is coming back to life.

In the process of feeling like things are slowly coming back together this week I made a decision. I committed to running the 10K at the Bluenose Marathon this year.  The very same 10K race I had signed up for last year and made the conscious decision it wasn’t the right time.

Running Again?

Tara asked me in the car this morning on the way to run 5K with H&S why I’m running. She wanted to know why I signed up for a running plan and a 10K race when it makes me so anxious. She said she had yet to see me really enjoy a run, or a race. She asked if I was running just to be running with her, because I felt I ‘HAD’ to. I had to think about my answers. I’ve never loved running. I still can’t say I love it. But I was building towards a solid foundation with running before my accident happened and part of my recovery process (mentally just as much as physically) is getting back to where I was.

On Friday afternoon when I got home from work and set out to do my first run. I was in one of those Friday afternoon moods where you want to curl up with a glass of wine and vegetate. But I was scheduled to get my first run (3.5K) done on my running planner. I was cranky knowing I had to make myself do it. I was tired from my day and irritated. But I apologized to T for being a grump, put on my running gear and got out the door. I got my 2 miles in and was home in under 25mins. It wasn’t super fast, it wasn’t super easy (goddamn my hamstrings were sore), but I got it done. And mentally having done it I felt a whole lot better.

My answer is this:  I’m not running now because I think its something I have to do. I’m not running now because I think its something I need to do to be with Tara. I’m running now because I know that in order to get better at something you need to keep trying and training, and it’s something I want. This year its is one of those challenges I want to tackle. I want to be able to feel strong enough to run the 10K with a couple of months of conscious training behind me. I know as it starts to feel easier as the distance increases a little and my familiarity comes back that I may find myself enjoying it more. I don’t guarantee to ever ‘LOVE’ running. But I do want to make this commitment to myself and see how this helps both my recovery process and my spirit.

The Game Plan

I have three actual races that I plan to participate in. All with Tara.

1. She’ll be running the 25K full Moose Run while I do it as part of a Relay team with H&S.
2. We plan to do the Wolfville 8 Mile Road Race the weekend before the Bluenose which will coincide with her training plan.
3. And then I’ll run the 10K on Sunday May 20th when she’s running her full Marathon.

The Game Plan

My game plan is just to follow through. Be consistent in my workouts, my running training and especially with my nutrition and if all goes well I will be able to get back to my strong self and perhaps conquer some of the weight I have gained back along the recovery path.

Just like my recovery has been so far, it will be a test of my mental prowess and love for this body of mine to get there. But one thing I know is that I need to love this body of mine RIGHT NOW in order to get there.

This year marks three years since I turned 30. Three years ago on my 30th birthday I made the decision to change how I lived my life. On February 4, 2009 I was this girl: 

celebrating 30 and looking forward

I was on the verge of taking the steps that would change how I live my life for good. I had fought through a long battle with serious depression and come through the other side actually liking who I was enough to feel worth the change. It started with one small decision that built onto another and another.

On my 31st birthday I had made some progress in the right directions. I remember I was around the 230 lb mark in February 2010. And it was just after this that I posted my very first blog post on February 21, 2010. (and thank god I did start a blog…or where would Tara and I be today?)

celebrating 31 with my nephew

Last year in February of 2011 when I turned 32 I had just finished the Precision Nutrition Lean Eating Program for Women with my coach Krista Scott-Dixon. I was the leanest I have ever been (to date as a matter of fact). I was in the 170s for the first time, and felt strong and confident.

celebrating 32 with my bff

It seems February is a time of decision making for me.

This year more than ever its an important day of reflection for me. In my 32nd year some major things have changed and I want to take the time to reflect and remember why this year, my 33rd year will be the best yet. I feel in need of the reminder right about now. Back in November I was hit by a truck in a cross-walk and injured. I’ve been grateful to have Tara here with me to help my recovery process. I know without a shadow of a doubt I would not be where I am now in the process without her.

This recovering from injury process has taught me more about who I am than I ever imagined.

• I have learned how important movement and strength and a fully functioning body are to me.
• I have learned how I crave movement (especially when it physically hurts to move).
• I have learned that maintaining weight loss as someone formerly obese when you’re coping with healing is an added degree of difficulty.
• I have learned that patience through pain can feel impossible, but is actually a requirement.
• I have learned that when pain and questions of my personal self worth are a part of my day to day life my food choices and decisions waver.

I have learned that the recovery process has performed some kind of mind-mash on my brain. The confident girl I see in the pictures from my 32nd birthday, and even on my wedding day this past July has faded a little. I have gained some weight since the injury and it scares me. In particular, the limitations in my abilities, especially in the gym, have my once rebuilt confident brain thinking about all of the things I can no longer do instead of recognizing the steps of healing as I work my way back towards where I was before the accident.

Tomorrow I will wake up on my 33rd birthday.  I will remind myself that this year more than ever is reason to celebrate. That I will regain all of the strength I have lost and find a full recovery back to the athlete I was in the gym. As my wise trainer Chris reminded me in the gym this week now is an amazing opportunity to reboot my brain once more. I will take the chance to rebuild not just my body, but my brain. I will get back there. I will find my leanest, strongest, healthiest version of myself again. And my 33rd year will be the best year ever, with Tara - my Most Amazing Thing Ever by my side. Nothing in my life is the same now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

http://herselfimage.com/2011/10/13/brain-swirl/

I am recovering. I am healing. In the process my brain is swirling.

Being injured and “set back” has set my mind in a tail spin. I am so accustomed to moving forward. My entire LCJ since February of 2009 has been about moving forward. Its been finding the next goal, continuing the weight loss, seeing my abilities improve. I was extremely fortunate not to have been injured along my LCJ before my accident. Then I was. And I’ve had to learn to deal with a hell of a lot of set backs. I have tried very hard to stay focused on the positive, that Tara is here with me, my gratitude that the accident wasn’t worse. But I have to admit that in the midst of the iron clad grip on “stay positive Meegan” I’ve found myself doing an awful lot of self berating in this head of mine. @jeepjenn picked up on it catching up on my blog and called me out via twitter yesterday. Even when I think I’m trying hard to be kind, I’m punishing myself.

Letting Go

In the midst of recovering my life is brand new.  My success has traditionally been very related to a routine.  This process of recovery has meant letting go of any semblance of routine. I have appointments different times a day almost every day of the week. I’ve had to take deep breaths and let go of my former routines and my former expectations and try and stay focused on just getting through each day, and then looking back at my week and asking “did I make progress this week?”Day to day the progress is hard to see. Week to week I can see there are improvements. Its slower and more arduous than I want it to be.

“I’m a mess”.

“That’s fantastic because messes can be cleaned up.”

Tara said something to me at some point along the way when I said “I’m a mess”. She said “that’s fantastic, because messes can be cleaned up.” There are so many lessons to be learned about myself and about how I can overcome the first  big obstacle in my LCJ path. I might be a mess right now, but I’m finding my way to getting the mess cleaned up. I am so lucky to have Tara, someone who understands exactly what’s happening when I get lost in my own head space. She can grab the sides of my face and look me in the eyes and tell me to start talking. Its harder than I remember it being in a long long time to be nice to myself right now. We’re calling one another out on it, and keeping each other on solid ground in the moments when we get a little swept up.

Starting Over

This morning Tara and I got up and went for a run. Lest I remind you, I am not much of a runner.  But I would like to find a way to let go and enjoy running a little bit. Its so much of a brain game for me. Learning to let go of the mess in my head and let my body go through the motions. This morning I wanted to get out and run. It was a beautiful morning and we’re looking forward to the New Year’s Eve Resolution Run with our new running club. Its a 5K and I haven’t run since before my accident, in fact, not really since Tara was here for Canadian Thanksgiving and we ran my first 10K at the Valley Harvest. This morning was my first attempt at running since I was hit. Physically it wasn’t that bad, but mentally; oh fuck me, mentally it was a train wreck.  I sobbed at one point while running and got so mad at myself. I persevered, and couldn’t look T in the face, but followed her slowed down running until she said we were done. 2.3 miles-ish we ran. It confirmed I will be ok for Saturday’s 5K, but it also confirmed I need to get my head in check.

After we got home and were having some breakfast together Tara asked me. “how would you feel if you bought a puzzle and it was all completed already.” I said, “I’d probably be disappointed and then just tear it apart and start over.” She looked me in the face and said, that’s the best part about where you are right now. You get to tear it all apart and start over.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Puzzle_pieces.jpg

The thing is I don’t know where to start.  But I do know one thing. And its an important thing. I need to pick ONE single thing to focus on. I need to tackle one thing. I can’t do everything right now. It isn’t realistic and it isn’t sustainable. But I can do one thing for a while. Until that one thing becomes a part of my life again, then I can add in something new. Today the battle is sorting out what my one thing is going to be.

I’m lost in this maze of deciding what the one thing will be. There are so many things that it could be. So many things that would make a difference right now.  I’m so panicked that the injury, that the changes in life, that the backwards motion in my fitness journey will stick. That I won’t be able to get back to where I was, let alone get to set goals that surpass where I was before.  I’m learning to let go of my old routines, let go of the things I know, let go of where I feel safe and what I know works and carve out something new. So today I’ll sit with trying to find my ONE THING.

Once I figure it out I’ll let you know. In the mean time, feel free to share any wisdom and suggestions.

Last Monday I was hit by a truck. Yes, literally. I walked into the cross walk sure that the oncoming truck was slowing down to allow me to cross and it didn’t. But I am lucky. I am not broken. Bruised, battered and definitely not my physical 100%, but so grateful the incident wasn’t any worse.

I woke up on Monday thinking there were still 29 days before I would wake up and fly the almost 4000 miles to Tara, my mate. 31 days before we would set out in her car Dusty and make the long haul back across Canada together to start our lives together here in Halifax. I woke up thinking there were still so many days to wait. And then just after 1pm I find myself in an ambulance strapped to a back board in a brace frantically trying to tell the paramedic that my mate who they are talking to on the phone is too far away to meet me in the Emergency Department and trying to hold back the tears. It was scary people. And not just scary for me. Scary for Tara too.

Sometimes these things that happen in life lead you to throwing logic out the window and just doing what your heart tells you is the right thing do to. Tara got on a plane. We abandoned our plan. We tossed the logic about the money, about the work while we were waiting for Visas, about keeping the opportunity to say goodbye (and hello in my case) to T’s friends and family in Tacoma. She got on a plane and she came to me. We couldn’t think of anything else to do.

Somehow we know the universe will look after us in the logic department. Somehow we hope the money stuff will shake out ok. Somehow we know this was the right thing for both of us. Our trip across Canada will be postponed until the Spring. We will travel back together, say our hello’s and goodbye’s together and hop in Dusty to head back home: together.

We will get to do a lot of things together now. She’s been here helping me heal, reminding me that its ok to be quiet as I recover.

And we’re using some of this quiet time to make some of our dreams together come true.

Our days of imagining and wishing are over. Now that Tara is here, beside me, in the flesh, our lives together beginning in the ways we were only dreams before. Ours plans that we’ve talked about for hours, texting, on the phone, skyping about are being realized. We are together, and its more amazing than even my imagination and wishes had dreamed of.

The Healthy Dynamic Duo was realized today. Tara and I have undertaken a new adventure together.

TheHDD is a place where we will share how we are living our lives to the fullest together. We don’t know exactly yet how it will all unfold, but we are so damn excited to be planning and executing! We envision trying and tasting our meals made together and sharing them with the blog-o-sphere that brought us together. We may venture into vlogging some of our workouts (once I’m back in 100% physical shape that is).  Together our mission is stronger than ever and if that’s not fuel for recovery I don’t know what is.

This week Dani (@IrishEyes1982 on Twitter) and I traded a few messages. We were talking about the fact that even after losing a significant amount of weight we still find ourselves in those days, those weeks where you feel like your former self again. Where the self love that led you to losing the weight seems to find its way back into the corner and you spend the day questioning your self worth.

There was something about getting on the scale last week and learning exactly where I was (i.e. 15lbs up) that seemed to make two things happen:

1. Made me suddenly feel a whole lot less attractive when I look in the mirror.

Now I realize that this has to be 100% in my mind. Nothing changed physically by knowing the number on the scale. What changed was purely my personal perception of myself. I was suddenly judging myself as “less than” because my weight was up. I was suddenly labelling myself less attractive because I knew the number and it wasn’t where I was before. Why do we play these awful mind games with ourselves?

Good thing that it also:

2. Made me realize I really needed to do something in order to feel like myself again.

Funny part about this is that it took looking back over into the corner at that self love of mine and telling it to get back over here – we have work to do. It took understanding that I already am worth it for my routine and my goals to make any difference.

My Mate Tara is the self named Queen of the TLA, (the Three Letter Acronym) and she has given me the gift of #LtF this week. I needed the spark to get my fire burning again and ironically it was getting back on the scale that did it. In the last 7 days I’ve made some progress. Both on the scale and with battling some of the emotional stuff that has come up because and in spite of what’s happening in my life.

UPDATE

On the scale this week: I am down 4lbs.

Honestly this was a giant relief. I was actually worried that I was going to get on the scale and despite the shift in focus last week would see no change. I was prepared for it. I told myself if it happened I would be ok. I’ve had plenty of great weeks before on this LCJ of mine when the scale didn’t budge. But I needn’t have worried. My body and the scale were apparently just waiting for me to get my shit together again.

On the emotional spectrum I’ve been all over the map and back this week. I’m trying to sit with my feelings and ride them out these days. Feel what I need to feel and wait for it pass. Feel the sad, feel the anger, feel the cranky, feel the pain, let it all wash over me and move through me and out. What comes up when I’m feeling some of this has been the challenge. See when things get tough, my self love tends to head for the corner again leaving me floundering a bit. It takes me a little while to register a feeling before I can talk to myself again and say “Excuse me? Hey you! Yes, you – my self love over there in the GD corner! Get your ass back over here!”

I’ve learned through this process you need to love who you are and feel good in your skin for the success to follow. The better you feel, the more comfortable you are as you ARE the more likely you are to rise to the challenges you set for yourself and the more likely your mind and body will work as one to help you reach them. I also know that no matter how much I practice this, there are still days when its damn tough.

GOALS Revisited

Now that I know what a week has brought me, here is a revised list of my goals for this week to come:

1. I now have 35 Days before I get on a plane and fly to Tara. I want everyone of those 35 days to get me closer to my goals again. (Currently I’m going to see if I can be down 12 of the 15lbs I’m up before December 7th when I leave. 4 down, and 8 to go).
2. I didn’t manage to update here twice in the last week, so I’ll aim for at least once. Anything more is bonus points!
3. Continue to keep my fitness routine in check. Group Training twice a week, 1 on 1 Training with my Trainer twice a week, Yoga once a week and aim for at least one good attempt at hill sprints.
4. Stay in full control of my food – that means: no sugar, LOTS of veggies (aim for every meal) and limiting fruit intake to 1 piece a day.
5. Take my fish oil every day.
6. Take my multi-vitamins.
7. Drink at least 8 cups of water every day. (aim for at least 2 full cups BEFORE my morning coffee.)
8. Foam roll for recovery everyday.

Tahrir Square Sea Change by Jay Ressler from: http://fineartamerica.com/featured/tahrir-square-sea-change-jay-ressler.html

There has been a whole lot of change going on in my life since last I posted.  (almost two whole freakin’ months ago…how does that happen?!)

In fact, there’s been a whole lot of change in my life since this Spring. I feel as though I’m on the most incredible roller coaster ride these days.For my sake (and anyone new who happens to stumble upon my blog…) lets review the last 6 months:

April

Finally Meet Tara in person (sorry Val, meeting you was extra awesome too, but not quite as life altering…lol)

May

Realize I’m in Love (talk about a frying pan over the head in the very best way…)

June

Hit a weight loss milestone and simultaneously plan the trip of a lifetime.

 July

Fly 4000  Miles to spend 3 weeks with the love of my life, get engaged, get married.

August

Miss my Mate terribly, go on honeymoon (Vegas, Baby) for 7 nights to pause the missing.

September

Continue to miss my Mate terribly. Sort through sharing my ‘big news’ with my friends and family. Plan Canadian Thanksgiving visit for Tara to come to Halifax for the first time AND find a new place to live together in Halifax. Go away to Quebec City for a week on a work conference the week before the big move.

October

Finds me still missing my Mate terribly, October 1st weekend I move myself and belongings into our new place and try to get a fraction of a home carved out before Tara arrived to introduce her to Halifax and our home, introduce her to our family and run my very first 10K with Mate by my side (or right behind me so I don’t stop running on the hills.)

Talk about life in constant transition these days. And of course it has had an enormous impact on how I’m eating and how I’m moving. Which has had an impact on my ongoing life changing journey. Unfortunately this impact isn’t one I’m particularly proud of.

First off, don’t get me wrong, I am NOT complaining about any of the change. In fact I’m so excited about all of the incredible change in my life. I’m grateful for all of it. What I’m finding interesting is how my so carefully decided routine has been all shaken up and how it turns out that I’m coping with it.

Finding love has been a gift. What I’m learning that I’m not very good at YET is maintaining the same level of love for myself that I had when it was just me in my day to day routine and life. Somewhere in this sea of most amazing changes I’ve lost some of my love for who I am and some of my focus on what my goals are. And let me tell you, when you slide down that slippery slope and stop focusing on what’s important for YOU first there are consequences.

CONFESSION

I have gained 15lbs. I got on a scale on Tuesday night in my trainer Chris’ new space and got weighed and measured for the first time since  July 2nd. I’ve known for a little while that I haven’t been eating as well as I was. I’ve been indulging in food a little more than before. I’ve still been maintaining my workouts but as I’ve learned along the way, the exercise is only 20% of the weight loss and maintenance picture. Food is the biggest part of the equation.

So What the Hell am I going to do about it?

I need a plan. I’m here and blogging about what’s happened because I want to be accountable. I got on that scale yesterday knowing it wasn’t going to be pretty with Chris my trainer looking down at the same scale and knowing I was disappointing myself. I’m trying very hard not to think about whether or not what I’ve allowed to happen here is a disappointment to anyone else *gulp*. All I can do is move forward. I’m going to make the number on that scale a brand new starting point and make a game plan.

I am fortunate that right now my support system is the strongest its ever been.

I am fortunate that right now I have already accumulated a wealth of knowledge that will help me drop this 15 again and keep moving.

I am fortunate that I know already how to do this, I just need to get it all together again and love myself enough to follow through.

GOALS

Like Tara and I have spent some time talking about, I need to get back to basics and get focused.

In no particular order here is the list of goals I’m planning to put into motion starting right now:

1. I have 41 Days before I get on a plane and fly to Tara. I want everyone of those 41 days to get me closer to my goals again.
2. Update my blog on how things are progressing and where I’m at at least twice a week. (blogging helped me stay focused enormously, I know it will again)
3. Keep my fitness routine in check: Bootcamp on Mon/Wed/Fri  + One-on-One Training on Tues/Thurs + ADD in a run on the weekend + try to get out at lunch time for at least 20 minutes of brisk walking.
4. Get back in full control of the food – that means: no sugar, LOTS of veggies (aim for every meal), limit fruit intake to 1 piece a day.
5. Take my fish oil every day.
6. Take my multi-vitamins.
7. Drink at least 8 cups of water every day. (aim for at least 2 full cups BEFORE my morning coffee.)
8. Foam roll for recovery everyday.

April 2011 - Post Lung Run 5K - Thanks Jaime!

I remember when I ran my very first 5K in April of 2010. It wasn’t easy and felt like a challenge, but I was damn proud I did it. Slowly over the months I’ve made some progress with running, at least in my physical ability. In November of 2010 I ran my first sub-30 min 5K with the support of some awesome friends.   This past April when I ran that same 5K and improved, it still didn’t feel like it was easy. I didn’t have my breathing down and I was still anxious about the race aspect of things. But I was grateful to have a friend run the 5K with me. (Thanks Jaime!) I think mostly its been a challenge because I haven’t allowed myself to believe I have the ability to be a runner.

Prime example: I had planned to try and tackle my first 10K in May at the Bluenose here in Halifax, but I let my anxiety over the race and the details overwhelm me and made the conscious decision that it wasn’t the right time. At first I just changed my registration to a 5K. Then I decided not to run at all.

5 months since then I’ve made up my mind. I WILL be running my first 10K race with Tara when she’s here in Nova Scotia for the first time this October. And this time I know I can do it. This time my mind is much more in the game. Whether its Tara’s calming influence combined with her support and knowing I’m going to do with her by my side, or just feeling much more confident about my ability with running I’m not sure. All I know is now I know I CAN do it.

How do I know? I proved it to myself this week.

After conquering the hill almost 4K in

On Wednesday after a longer than expected day at work I made it home just before 7pm, changed into my running clothes and laced up my sneakers and ran 6K. It wasn’t the farthest I’ve run, but the difference this time was my resolve to do it and that it actually felt pretty good. Not like the struggle I had been anticipating.

Yesterday, I made a new resolution with Tara. She is running a half-marathon trail run today. 13.1 miles on the trail. Her reward for completing it will be one of her favorite treats, a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte. I’d never had a Pumpkin Spice Latte before, but I told her I would get up this morning and run 5 miles (just over 8K), the farthest I have ever run. We wouldn’t be running at the same time with the 4 hour time difference between us, but we would both run far today and earn a #PSL to call our own.

I got up this morning while T was still sleeping (after all 9am here is still 5am for her… sigh) I drove to downtown Halifax and parked on Queen St. near the Starbucks, set my Nike GPS+ for the first time for a 5 mile run and started out.

At each mile mark I would walk for a minute, which put me at approximately an 11 minute mile pace. My run was good. It felt good, I felt like I could have ran the extra mile to make it an even 10K today, and I still have four weeks to keep training before Tara and I run in our race. I had my first Pumpkin Spice Latte after conquering 5 miles in 55 minutes.

First Ever Pumpkin Spice Latte - earned it!

Was the latte good? Damn straight!  It was tasty and felt a lot like an autumn treat in a cup. But I couldn’t finish the whole thing (so rich and creamy)!  What felt better was knowing that running doesn’t have to be the one aspect of fitness I will never conquer. I just need to change how I think about it. Maybe 10K will be my race for a while. But I’m strong enough to do it, and I’m proud of myself for taking on this MENTAL challenge. Because that’s what this is. I already know I’m physically capable. I just need to get my brain on board with what my body wants to be doing.

There’s been a whole lot of unexpected happening in my life these days. What’s brought me a lot of the success on my life changing journey in terms of fitness and fat loss has been my routine. The unexpected happenings (including the Most Amazing Thing Ever) in my life have shaken up my routine in a big way. I feel a lot like someone has picked up my snowglobe, turned it upside down and given it a good solid shake.

That shake up has been incredible. In the best possible ways, but everything feels different. Its as if I’m trying to find where the ground is again and sort through all of the debris around me to get righted again.

In a lot of ways leaving Tara and being separated has been like getting on the most insane emotional roller coaster. I didn’t realize that leaving her to come back home without her would be as difficult as it has been. That I would have days where the longing to be back together would make me feel like I was being held underwater and I can’t breathe. Figuring out how we’re going to be apart while we wait for sponsorship paperwork to be filed and processed has been a challenge. There is no question that this emotional roller coaster while we’re apart has had me revisiting the thought of craving food for comfort, especially when the comfort I’m really craving is 4000 miles away.

Yesterday I wasn’t speaking very nicely to myself. In the agony of missing Tara I had started to feel as though I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to to look after myself and this body that I have worked so hard to change. In fact, this girl who normally only gets on the scale in her Trainer’s gym, for the official record, got on the bathroom scale. I got on the scale knowing full well that it was going to be up for a whole slew of reasons. And I did it anyway, almost like I wanted to punish myself more. The negative self talk, the weight up on the scale, I started to convince myself that I needed to recalibrate my routine again. That I wasn’t pushing hard enough that I wasn’t restricting my food like I should be. I was getting awfully nit-picky.

So you know what I did? I went to bed.

After a good nights sleep, my mind was a whole lot clearer. After my hour long workout with my trainer this morning here’s where my head space was at:

1. I was not giving myself enough credit for what is getting done (even if my routine now is different).
2. I am still getting at least 5 hours of solid workout time in each week.
3. I need to remember with the amount of change in my life, and the stress of being away from Tara and the big “reveal” to my friends and family a change in my routine is TO BE EXPECTED.
4. I need to talk nicely to myself (especially now) and allow myself to find the new pattern which will emerge.
5. I have not been trying to sabotage anything. Routine shift is just a symptom of change and IT’s OK.
6. I am okay with where I am right now. My weight hasn’t shot up, I am strong enough, I am fit enough, I still have goals that I’m working on and when my new routine with Tara settles out I figure out what I want to take on next.
7. I AM trying hard enough with my workouts and my food situation right now.
8. I am NOT making excuses.
9. I am doing right now what I’m able to get done and its plenty.
10. I just need to remember to keep my perspective.

If I consider for a second what “Old Meegan” would have done in this particular circumstance of life change (i.e. dove into a vat of chocolate and ceased any kind of physical movement), I am a maintaining fitness rock star status.

My routine BT (before Tara) was all about me. It was easy, I got early every morning for my work out 6 days a week, I got my fresh groceries, I did my afternoon of Sunday cooking and I ate my carefully prepared meals through the week. My routine AT (after Tara) and being in a marriage means my routine will adapt, I will find a new groove that still accommodates what is important to me and my lifestyle and I have the added advantage of someone amazing by my side (and right now that means by side at a distance).

I’m fortunate to be able to be in a place in my life where I can step back and recognize what is important to me even when my snowglobe has been flipped upside down and had the shit shaken out of it. Now I know what the values are that I want to keep in clear focus no matter how upside down my life can be. I resolved never again to ignore what I’m feeling, withdraw from my life or shove anything back down into the depths of myself. If I can let out what I’m feeling, talk about it with people I love and trust, and be a stronger person inside and out because of it I will find the ground safely beneath my feet in the white stuff.