Source: Etsy Artist Tuckerreece
Dear Santa, please remind me.
I have a Christmas wish. I need a reminder.
I need to remember some of the things that I know I’ve already learned somewhere in this brain of mine.
I need a push. I shove even. I need to get off this precarious place I’ve been sitting in. In the muck.
Hand me a clean towel and offer me your white gloved hand and pull me on up outta the muck and tell me to click my ruby red slippers together so I can get on with it.
Please.
One sided Conversation on Repeat
Listen big guy, please tell me why I keep having the same conversations in my mind. Over and over and over again.
I don’t understand why I’ve let myself change.
I’m missing the resolve I had when I was a Lean Eater. When I wasn’t in pain.
When I wasn’t “recovering” from the accident.
I don’t want this stuff with food and procrastination to feel this difficult anymore. I want to just move on past the general feeling of suck-i-ness now, please.
I would love if the emotional tidal wave would ease to a much quieter ocean of feelings. So I stop going from these days of extreme self loathing to the days where things feel okay. A general feeling of okay-ness for a while in a row really is my Christmas wish right now.
What I already know
I know I’m eating things I don’t need.
I know I’m eating things I don’t really ‘want’.
I know I’m doing it in the name of soothing my emotions and…
I know it doesn’t help.
I know it complicates how everything functions.
I know this, and I still find myself doing it.
I also know that most of the time I’m doing it WITH thought. As in, I’m deciding consciously to go for it. And for the few times I absentmindedly stuff something in my face I realize at some point through it and put the brakes on.
I know I’m procrastinating about things. Even doing things I would otherwise love to do.
I know I’m having a hard time looking myself in the mirror and saying to myself what I already know -
“Hey you. This is all you. You have the power to do something about this.You have to change it. Just you.”
I know that right now I feel stuck in the muck again. Like I’m afraid of something that I can’t quite put my finger tip on.
So I walk around feeling guilty about the things I’m eating (consciously and otherwise).
I walk around feeling horrible for the things I’m not doing.
Instead of slowly thanking myself for all of the things that I AM doing.
Instead of just putting the refrain, “You ARE OK” in my brain.
Here’s the Deal
I think I’m at a point in my recovery process where I need to mentally get myself out of “recovery” mode and figure out how to be in “moving onwards” mode. My injuries are a point now where they may just be what they are now forever. So life needs to be life and not “life in recovery.” I need to stop waiting for someone or something to nudge me or push me forward. I need to find that inside myself, right now. And I know it.
So I don’t know why I’m waiting. I don’t know why I feel stuck on the very edge of something.
Except Maybe I do know
I think the problem is I’ve stopped believing. I’ve forgotten the reasons why I’m worth it. I’ve let the tidal waves of self doubt and that deep seeded belief that I really am unlovable chicken peck their way back into my brain. But this time I am aware of what’s happening. I must be fighting it a little or I wouldn’t see it happening. I would just fall for it again, hook line and sinker and let myself slide back into depression. I need my confidence back. I need to remember why I’m worth it. I need to believe that I can click my ruby red slippers again and remember that I have the power.
So please Santa, just remind me.
Make my Christmas wish come true and remind me how I did this before.
Remind me of all of the reasons I’m important so I can move forward.
Please let me hear Tara’s words when she tells me what I know in my heart is the truth and not cringe or roll my eyes at her words anymore when we have the same conversation again.
Thanks Santa,
Love Mimi
I love you SO much Miss Meegan….SO SO SO much! And I want you to know that I completely get it. I’m there….in the muck with you and I (like you) would probably rather PUSH YOU OUT than do something for myself. Hmmm…why is that? Once Santa has answered your Christmas wish, will you please send him in a westerly directly so that he can grant me the same Christmas wish? Thanks! SMOOOOOCH
You have the power Mimi.
Click those ruby reds and just let go.
No matter what happens we’ll get through it together.
I believe in you.
There’s no place like home (especially when home is all about doing what feels right).
I love you so much (and I promise no coal in your stocking).
Meegan, you got this, my friend. You do have the power. In every moment of every day. I know it doesn’t feel like it sometimes but I truly believe that those places show us the way to believing again. You have the power. You’ve always had the power. Tune into it.
Meegan, I know exactly what you’re speaking about. I’m in the same place.
Not from an accident, but from my surgery.
I pledged to stop staying “..with a hip replacement” on the 1 year anniversary date, yet I still THINK it. I make choices that are a “I’m recovering and need the rest” choice, not a “I’ve recovered and can move” choice.
It takes energy to believe. And it feels like my energy has been stolen. Or my ability to believe. Shall we journey through this land of not-injured-but-not-believing together?
The first thing I thought of when I read your post: is it possible you’re depressed? Is it possible that perhaps the dip in “motivation” is something else, i.e. depression? I’ve been there twice, and your post struck me in an eerie way. Whatever the case, I hope you’re out of the hole soon. xo (one more idea: have you emailed your lean eating coach?)
I think we’ve all been there. Heck, I’m there right now. The darkness of winter doesn’t help either. I’m just reminding myself that spring is right around the corner, literally and figuratively. Baby steps in the right direction will be rewarded with more feelings of self-worth, which will lead to bigger steps in the right direction, and so on…. One baby step at a time.
)
So with you in the muck. Reading this post felt like seeing someone else turn my heart/mind inside out and put it on paper. I KNOW we can do this because we both have before. Just not sure how to get started back on that path. I’m pulling for you and love you lots!
Oh..girl…I saw the pic and hell yes it called me….
Close your eyes….
3 deep breaths…(must be 3…no more no less)
Now repeat
There’s no one like me…There’s no one like me…There’s no one like me…
Now… 3 deep breaths…
and repeat
I believe the voice inside…I believe the wisdom inside…I believe the power inside
Now….
go get Tara to give you 3 big hugs from me……xoxo (oh…and check your email this weekend)