Seeing the Problem & Taking Action

from etsyshop HoneycombandHive

from etsyshop HoneycombandHive

Worthy is my word for 2014.

Feeling my own worth is precisely what I need to focus on. Remembering that I am indeed important, believing in the things that I have to offer, that I am deserving of love (including loving myself) is the key. It’s like the secret. If I can do that, if I can unlock that part of myself that I am completely in control of, all of the good stuff I wish for follows. I’ve been able to unlock that part of me before, and magic happened. But it seems I’ve been trying slowly but surely to try and lock it away. Seriously? Who does that to themselves on purpose? It seems that I do.

BUT! I know what I’m up to. I’ve been becoming increasingly aware of it. And if I’m being really really honest with myself I’ve been feeling the shadow of depression creep on me again. And it’s not what I want. It’s starting to take a toll on me, and it’s impacting my relationship with T. So something had to give. I knew I needed to recruit some help. So I went back to counselling. I’m seeing a new psychologist and I’m two weeks and two appointments in and I have a list of homework to help myself with support.

I saw the problem growing and I took action.

 

I also know I just came through a very intense, very stressful time in my office and I recognized the connection between the two things and the feeling the anxiety growing. So I took action there too. I asked to use up the remainder of my vacation time before it rolls over in April and I took 6 days off work (Friday through Wednesday). I signed off my work email and put up a vacation notice and I haven’t checked it once since I’ve been off. I’m aware it will be overwhelming when I return to play catch up, but I’m also aware that no one will die, nothing horrible will happen and I need a break.

I saw the problem growing and I took action.

 

 

#yearofmimi

#yearofmimi

Also, lately I’ve had a growing feeling of having a lot of difficulty seeing myself in photographs. Through much of 2013 I got WAY too judgy with myself. My self critic was in overdrive and I needed to do something to put the brakes on shit bird that was getting way out of control. So I challenged myself in the style of the gorgeous Vivienne McMaster who runs a self portrait class called “Be Your Own Beloved” that helps you see yourself through a different lens. I needed to see myself through a fresh lens, so I embarked on the #yearofmimi drawing inspiration from Be Your Own Beloved and I’m challenging myself to a self portrait everyday of 2014. Somedays that viewpoint is a whole lot easier than others. And there are still days when it’s difficult to see the photographs, but I’d be lying if I told you the first 35 days of this project haven’t helped me see myself differently. It’s a special kind of magic.

I saw the problem growing and I took action.

 

So that leads me to the space where I see a problem, but I don’t know what to do. My adventures in Lean Eating since July have not been productive in the physical sense at all. And by at all I mean I am exactly where I was weight and measurement wise today that I was on Day 1 of the program. And it’s not the program’s fault. All of the excellent foundations and habits and workouts are still there. And I’m still doing the workouts, but mentally? I’m not there. I’m not in it. I’m floundering. And what it comes down to? Every time? It’s worthiness.

The reason I was so successful when I did Lean Eating the first time three years ago was without question due to my head space. I felt worthy. Actually, it was more than a feeling. I believed I was worthy. I believed I was worth the effort and the focus and concentration. I was confident that I could do it. That belief and that confidence was the driving force behind everything. I’ve read that it’s the positive mind set so many of the Lean Eaters that bring the biggest transformations, and I understand the connection. Because this time it feels so completely different for me.

This time? I’m not convinced of that. I haven’t been convinced of that in a long time. And the reasons for that are wrapped up in bows of chronic pain and looming depression and increasing anxiety (hey, did you know that chronic pain is linked to those things clinically?) Yeah, seems obvious to me now that I know, but I didn’t realize how the brain links those three things so intimately.

I see the problem, but I’m not entirely sure of the action to take.

 

What I really like about Lean Eating these last eight months of my life is that it’s given me structure and routine and a focus to maintain on healthy habits. I’ve still been doing my workouts and I’m slowly rebuilding my strength. I haven’t lost the foundation of healthy eating habits that I built the first time I completed LE, and the program this time has refreshed those habits. But as the months go by and my physical results stay exactly the same it’s an almost constant reminder to me that I’m failing. Or at least that is how my mind is seeing it right now. I get stuck in these cycles of comparing the last time, and seeing my team mates tell their success stories and share their photos and I find myself despairing and disconnecting. I feel defeated every week when my weight and measurements don’t shrink. I know I should be trying to see the positive here. The strength returning and even the fact that I haven’t been gaining weight. And some days I’m able to recognize the positive. But mostly it just seems hurt my spirit that I’m not able to see my own worth enough now to make this work. It’s devastating, and it’s true. The reason it’s not working it because I don’t believe enough. At least not lately. But I’m working on it. I’m seeing the problems and I’m taking action to try and help myself.

I’m not sure whether to just drop out of LE right now and let it go until I’m in a stronger mindset. I’m not sure if that makes me a quitter. I’m not sure I’m ready to let go of the structure because I feel like it’s what’s keeping me moving and getting stronger. If I let go of that what will I replace it with?

But as I’m writing this…I’m realizing. I think the program isn’t a joyful thing for me right now.  It’s draining the limited energy I have just trying to hang on, and if I’m being honest that’s not why it’s there and it’s not how it’s designed. What I need to do is heed the advice that planted a seed a week ago. The action I need to take first is to come up with a plan for myself without Lean Eating. Something that makes me feel really good and only compares me to me right now. Something that feeds my joy and helps me believe in me again. But definitely something that keeps me moving and helps me rebuild my worthiness and my confidence.

I’m not 100% sure what that will look like yet, but that’s okay. I can be patient and take action. I can follow the plan.

 

from etsy shop LisaBarbero

from etsy shop LisaBarbero

Comments

  1. Don’t ever doubt yourself.

    I don’t know if that’s why you woke up wanting to take down this post (maybe it was just sleepy still not quite awake Mimi) but whatever the reason please don’t. Part of this journey in patience is trusting the words you are trying to make into some sort of coherency for your brain. Don’t doubt because you think someone somewhere might read this and twist it into something else. Don’t doubt because you think someone’s going to make assumptions about your will to change.

    I love you so very dearly and I know this process of patience and getting back to a place of dominate self worth (instead of the dominate self (not) worth) is difficult. Painful. Confusing. Like pushing against a brick wall and feeling the slightest of nudges knowing there’s so much more work to do.

    But we do the work. We follow the plan.

    Together.

  2. I’m inspired by your ability to inventory, assess and take action. Badass. Agreed about LE and having to have your head in the game; it’s most of the hard work, I found. You’ll figure out what’s best for you, and anytime you doubt that, re-read your post dude. You’ve got tons of experience doing just that. :)

  3. I think for goals to be achievable, they need to be from the heart. It seems like you are heading down that path, identifying what you want to do from the heart, and what not. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, as I think your process of taking a step back and identifying how to manage issues and find joy is so helpful and so worth sharing.

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